“A heart is not a box you fill up, it expands the more you love.”
We are taught that monogamy is the gold standard and anything that strays from that is problematic or inherently wrong. Thus, people who are not monogamous, nor want to be, are judged and often seen as having something off about them. The irony here is that most monogamous couples have never talked about or negotiated what monogamy actually means for them—something as vague as “being loyal to one another.” And I admit, I am one of those people who assume that every relationship will be exclusive without even discussing what “exclusivity’ means or looks like. I have only been in two long-term relationships that were monogamous because for the longest time I assumed that I was just bad at being in relationships so I just never chose to be many.
Don’t get me wrong – I love love. I always have. I want to get married, live with someone and be in love. I want someone to tell my secrets, share memories and build a life with, but I also love meeting new people, connecting with them and enjoying building a relationship. In theory, I make an excellent girlfriend. But in practice, I choked every time it came time to commit to someone.
Interestingly, I always wanted to commit to the person I was with – I really, genuinely did– but something about doing so never felt quite right. I felt anxious, restless and trapped inside of relationships. I couldn’t get my head around the fact that one fulfilling relationship meant I had to abandon potential other ones. And I couldn’t bear the thought of asking my partner to change to provide me with something I needed that they were not giving me.
But once I really start thinking about what “commitment” means, I have opened up a world of new possibilities. Once I let go of the fears and insecurities I had previously held around relationships, I am being granted a fresh perspective on what it meant to be with someone. The more I think about non-monogamy, the more it made sense to me: putting pressure on one person to meet all your nights sets up the relationship for failure. This isn’t to say that monogamy doesn’t work, more so, I am at a place in my life where I am seeing things through a different lens.
Even more important than any of this, thinking about non-monogamy is helping me to reassess and redefine the values I sought in – and brought to – a relationship.
So frequently, important and necessary qualities like trustworthiness, loyalty, honesty, and faithfulness are tied up with the idea of commitment, which itself is often taken to mean “I promise never to sleep with anyone else” instead of “I promise to dedicate as much time and energy towards this relationship as I healthily can”.
This doesn’t mean I am going to hop into a non-monogamous dynamic, immediately. I am still looking for a partner, someone to cultivate a deep, kinky and romantic relationship. I am also curious about eventually exploring having other play partners. I guess what I am saying, is that I am learning and growing in trying to figure out what works and meets my needs.
Simply, La Mia Vita 